Unexpected
by Aenisses Thai
Summary: A sensual, passionate Tamahome. A tender, introspective Tasuki. An unexpected love. Rated M for mature content.
1. Flashpoint

**UNEXPECTED by Aenisses Thai**

All rights to Fushigi Yuugi belong to Yuu Watase, Shogakukan Shojo Comics, TV Tokyo, Studio Pierrot, and Pioneer Video.

This is a companion piece to Shunyata Ryuen's "Expecting," an adventure about the consequences of a spell cast on Tasuki by a mysterious sorceress. The plot of Expecting is used here with Shunyata's permission; all rights to that plot belong to Shunyata Ryuen.

The rights to this original storyline, text, and dialogue are mine.

This story is rated "M"—restricted from those under age sixteen—for sexual situations and language.

Additional caution: Although all interactions in this story are technically heterosexual, the transgender nature of the plot may cause discomfort to readers who dislike yaoi (male-male) relationships. Therefore, do not read if you are opposed to anything other than standard heterosexual interactions.

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Chapter 1. Flashpoint**

All right, first thing: if you ain't me, you better not be reading this. I mean it. If you value yer nosy little ass, you better put down this scroll and run for it, 'cause if I'm alive on this earth, I'm gonna flame ya till yer nothin' but a pile of flaky gray ashes! That goes double for you, Nuriko—I'll kill ya, seishi strength or not!

On the other hand, maybe I ain't around anymore, an' you think you can get away with prying into a man's private thoughts. Though you might be wonderin' why I ever wrote this down, if I'm so goddamn pissed at the thought of anybody readin' it.

Well, maybe I wrote it just for myself. You see, there's things that time does to ya, and one of 'em is makin' ya forget the little things. Oh, sure, you remember the main events of your life, but you forget the small things that make the memories real—like the way things looked and tasted and…felt.

I don't wanna forget the small things about this. That's what makes it worth…well, everything. Without the little things, this ends up soundin' like one of those freak-ass perv stories that drunken shitheads listen to with their drinks in one hand an' their dicks in the other. _That's Not What This Is!_

So what is it then? Well, maybe if you shut up an' get the fuck outta my way, you'll get the chance to find out!

But listen, you're not gonna know what I'm talkin' about unless you know my other story. No, not the "All-Glory-and-Honor-to-the-Piss-Almighty-Suzaku-Seishi-Who-Saved-Our-Fuckin'-Asses" story; every asshole an' his brother knows that one. I'm talkin' about _my_ story, the one that only a few of ya know; the one that starts out a little…weird.

No, I'm not gonna go through everything that happened in that story! Fuck, ya think I wanna keep yappin' about how that goddamn sorceress put a spell on me, turnin' me from a perfectly happy, ordinary, super-heroic kinda guy into a freaked-out spaz with a big pregnant belly full of baby? Ya think I wanna remember how shithead Tamahome found out about it, only to get us kidnapped by a buncha slavers, then escaping and gettin' us lost with no money an' no idea how to get home again? Ya think I'm _eager_ ta relive the whole fuckin' wunnerful Birth Experience, which is only a little less fun than passin' a watermelon through your asshole?

Fuck, no! I ain't tellin' ya nothin'!

Oh.

Guess I just did.

Fine. Then just shut up and listen.

This story starts with me an' shithead Tamahome stuck in the barn where we had to take shelter when I gave birth to the baby. Except Tamahome wasn't bein' a shithead for once. In fact, he hadn't been a shithead for a long time; not since the adventure began, to tell the truth.

He was bein'…somethin' else.

Now don't get me wrong. It's not like he didn't piss me off on a regular basis; sometimes just hearin' him breathe was enough to stand on my last nerve. An' this business with makin' us pose as husband an' wife made me wanna flame somethin' every time I even _thought_ about it! But look, I gotta be fair an' admit that Tamahome was just tryin' to protect me. In fact, this wasn't his fault at all; he was, if anythin', the innocent bystander in my own disaster story. He woulda been justified in desertin' me at any time in the whole goddamn cluster-fuck—but he never did.

Not once. Not when I was stuck in a fight with those fuckin' scum-shit slavers. Not when that fucker on the ship tried to have his way with me. Not when we were stuck in the middle of Butt-Fuck Nowhere with nothin' to eat and no place to sleep.

Not when I went into labor in this isolated old barn, with no one to help but some plow beasts and…him. Oh, I screamed an' I puked an' I wailed like the damned, begging for death just to stop the pain! If I was him, I woulda turned tail and run—but he stayed right by me, cleaning my messes and wiping the sweat off my face an' making me believe that I was gonna live through it. Truth be told, I don't think I _woulda_ made it—not without him.

So how was I supposed to feel when he placed that squirmy, warm miracle in my arms an' smiled down at me like _I'd _done something special…when _he_ was the one who looked like Suzaku's own angel come down to earth?

Okay, now I'm startin' to sound mushy and gushy and girly-britches—but I don't care, 'cause right then, I _was_ all girly-britches! I mean, c'mon, getcher head outta yer ass; how the hell do ya think a fuckhead bandit like me is gonna pop a bonafide perfect baby outta his body if certain…_changes_ hadn't taken place? It's enough to make the horses laugh, to see how much I'd changed.

But Tama never laughed at me; well, not after that first time. 'Course, he mighta been afraid that if he laughed, he'd start me on one of those goddamn cryin' jags; either that, or get whacked with the nearest hard object. At that time, even_ I_ couldn't tell whether I was gonna bawl or belt him over the head if something pissed me off.

The next few days after the birth passed in a blur. I was obsessed with just looking at my little girl and counting all her fingers and toes and marveling at the way she wrinkled her nose in her sleep. Yeah, I know you got questions, but here's the thing:

I didn't.

I didn't care that this was impossible; I didn't care that a baby couldn't be made from a spell and carried by a man. A man who'd been turned into a woman. Whatever. I just knew that she was mine, mine, all mine…an' maybe Tama's, too. I mean, I _did_ ask him to name the baby, an' he ended up namin' her Yugetsu after his mom…but that's not the only thing I'm talkin' about.

Ya see, a baby's a fuckin' awesome thing—but also goddamn tiring, which don't seem fair when you just went through a fuckin' eternity of labor. Tama, though, took over whenever I got too tired to cope: rocking little Yu-chan and singing dumbass Konan songs, cleaning her up, an' me as well. I wasn't so lost in the glow of new parenthood that I didn't realize that he was the one who had cleaned all the blood off the bottom half of my body, an' made sure I had a cup of water nearby at all times, an' even went out an' caught somethin' that he made a thin soup outta. Hell, I don't care if that something was a goddamn rat; that soup tasted better to me than anythin' that ever came outta the Imperial kitchens.

Tama also explained to me about waiting for the milk to come in, an' he kept me from panicking about that thin yellow stuff that came outta my chest till the real stuff showed up.

Okay, I know that I been avoiding sayin' exactly how—and _where_—I'd changed. Look, this ain't easy for me; you think that you'd do any better? But I said that I was gonna tell all the small stuff, so here goes.

Thank Suzaku, the equipment on my chest hadn't changed that much. I mean, the pecs were a little bigger an' the nipples more prominent, but that was it. It mighta been the gods' mercy that kept the spell from landin' me with a pair of giant boobs, which probably woulda been the last straw that sent me screaming off into the sunset. There's only so much change a man can take.

As for lower down: now with the baby born, the good ol' watermelon was outta the way, which finally left my view clear to…what I didn't wanna see. Nope, I wasn't looking down there, no way, no how. Even though my stomach went flat again with the freak-ass speed that was typical of my spell-pregnancy, I made sure that I didn't take a close look at what wasn't there. Seeing is believing, an' I didn't wanna do either.

My hips were still guy-narrow, though, thank the gods—that's all I woulda needed, getting saddled with a bubble-ass! But I could feel that the joints were still loose, the way that they loosened up so I could push the baby out. Weird shit.

I hadda face it: I made one weird-lookin' woman. Ugly, really, by Konan standards. Tall, gawky, with big hands and feet, small-to-nonexistent boobs, guy-hips—an' yeah, let's not forget the fangs. About the only thing that looked womanly on me was my hair; it grew like fuckin' weeds, long and thick till it was hanging halfway down my back. Irritated the shit outta me.

I wondered what Tama made of it all.

I'd been doin' that a lot lately: wonderin' what Tama was thinkin'. It freaked me a little, the way it mattered ta me. I mean, since when did I give a shit what he thought? Well, all right, there was all that stuff I already told you about, but it really started on the night of the baby's birth, when I screamed and wept, and he was the one thing that stood between me and black despair. Afterwards, in that moment when he handed me little Yu-chan, and I looked at him an' thought about the way he'd been there for me through the worst of it all…well, I loved him, all right? But you know, it was just all those crazy birth juices or somethin', like the way women in my village would fall for the healer that helped them through a bad time.

It wasn't real. It was gratitude, not love. Or so I kept tellin' myself. Except…well, from then on, it mattered what Tama thought of me. That's all.

So here it was, days later, the wind still howling outside our stable while we waited for the storm to die down, an' for me an' the baby to become strong enough to travel. I stole a secret glance at Tama from under my eyelashes (and when did I fuckin' learn ta do _that?_). He was gazing dreamily into our small fire, his dark hair fallin' over his eyes and gleamin' in the dim light—and suddenly I was struck by how somethin' as stupid and simple as firelight an' the smell of cowshit could make a place seem like home.

I looked down at Yu-chan at my breast. She was finally asleep but still latched onto the nipple. I slipped a finger into her mouth to get her to release, causing her to make a little cat mew of protest as she sucked on empty air.

Pulling my shirt closed, I grinned as I laid her in the makeshift cradle-manger. "Yeah, ya little shit," I murmured, "Still eatin' in your sleep. You're just as greedy as your Aunt Miaka."

I looked up suddenly and caught Tama staring at me. It surprised me a little; did I do somethin' wrong by makin' fun of Miaka? But he wasn't lookin' at me like he was mad or anythin'.

He was lookin' at me like_ I_ was the fuckin' miracle instead of the baby.

My eyes widened in response, and suddenly he flushed brilliant red.

I can't explain exactly what happened in what order next; it's still kind of a jumbled blur. I know that I finally realized that his gray eyes held tints of violet. I know that I wanted to get closer to see exactly what colour they were, an' maybe figure out why he was lookin' at me that way. I'm not sure who moved first, but the one thing I know for certain is that we met in the middle.

See, we're pretty much the same height, an' I think we were both moving a little fast, so that's why our mouths met first. I'm not saying that it was a mistake, though—'cause ya know, that thing our tongues were doing took away that excuse.

Not ta mention the way his hands were wound through my hair and his heart hammered against mine, an'…oh yeah. Pressed hard against me, practically drilling inta my thigh—no mistake there.

But look at me listing this stuff like I was standing there taking notes. Oh, no. Tama was _not_ in this alone.

Ya know that I've been a dumbass guy almost all of my life, an' like all dumbass guys, I kinda believed that since girls didn't have that nice, fun, sticky-out equipment that we did, they also didn't feel things nearly as, um, _hot_ as we did, either.

Live an' learn, Tasuki; live an' learn.

I felt like there was some Imperial fireworks display going off 'bout six inches south of my belly; a fireworks display that was racing up my spine and exploding again behind my eyes. I couldn't seem to catch my breath or feel my knees, but the thing that I _did_ feel was this hungry, urgent ache between my legs, making me practically scream with need. Goddamn it, I hadda have him _now!_

At that moment, we had to break the kiss in favor of getting air—but Tama released me and stepped back at the same time. I coulda punched him, I was so pissed!

"Get back here, you asshole!" I growled, and tried to pull him against me again.

He held me off, though, his forehead glowing with his ogre power. "Wait, Tasuki, I have to say something…"

"You're gonna ruin this by talkin,' aren'tcha?" Right at that moment, these stupid thoughts flashed lightning fast through my brain. _He's changed his mind; he doesn't want you; you're a freak of nature, and now he's gonna run off screamin' into the night!_ I couldn't help it; the fuckin' tears welled up in my eyes.

Tama looked more stricken than if I _had_ sent him flying with a left hook. "Tasuki, please, I'm sorry—"

"Just shut the fuck _up_, all right?" I was even more humiliated by the fact that I'd started sobbing. Ah, Suzaku, have mercy on your suffering servant, an' just strike me dead right now! "I know what you're gonna say already. Blah, blah, blah, we're friends and seishi brothers, an' let's not ruin that and all that crap. An' oh yeah, don't forget our priestess an' that commitment, not ta mention the current price of tea in Kutou! An' all those reasons are just ways for you to avoid sayin' that," my voice rose out of control, "you can't stand the thought of touchin' me again, 'cause I'm such an _ugly-ass FREAK!"_

I didn't really say that shit out loud, did I? Oh, fer fuck's sake, Suzaku. Black hole, under my feet, right now. Please.

I didn't have much time to continue my mental argument with Suzaku, though, because suddenly Tama was right there in my face; no, in my _mouth,_ kissing me so hard that my sobs turned into hiccups. He kept right on kissing me till I calmed down a little and started thinkin', _Well ya know, I coulda been wrong about that last part. _

Finally that breathing thing couldn't be ignored anymore, so we broke off the kiss again, but this time he held onto my face like I was gonna fly up and start doing loopy-loops around the barn if he didn't keep me in his grip. Dunno how he got _that_ idea.

We panted for a few seconds, Tama regaining his breath first. "Do you have any idea of how damn hard it is to shut you up?" he gasped, his eyes blazing into mine. "All I wanted to do was ask you a simple question, and the next thing I know, you're singing an entire opera! When are you going to learn that you can trust me?"

That silenced me with shame. He was right. I was actin' like a complete ass, which ain't a stretch for me, I'll admit…but he didn't deserve that. I blinked hard a coupla times—no, no fuckin' tears or anythin' manipulative like that—and looked down.

"I trust ya, Tama. I trust ya…with my life."

His fingers trembled on my jaw, but he kept his voice steady. "Good. Then listen up, and don't _you_ go ruining things with talking too much! All I wanted to ask was…"

His voice faltered, so I lifted my eyes to see what was wrong. That oni sign was glowing so bright, it looked about ready ta burst into flame, and his face was just as scarlet, whether from the light of Suzaku or his own embarrassment, I couldn't tell. Tama didn't flinch away from me, however; he just kept starin' into my eyes like they held the answer to everything. His voice dropped, though, breathing a whisper so soft I could barely hear him.

"…are you sure?"

I frowned, not understanding. "Am I sure?"

"Are you sure that you want…this? Um, us, I mean. I mean, it's only been a few days since…the baby, and I don't want to…" now his face was burning brighter than the oni sign, "…hurt you."

Ya know what they say 'bout hearin' choirs of angels singin'? Well, it's all true, an' I almost looked up into the rafters to see where they were hidin' out.

This was it, then. This was really gonna happen, 'cause miracle of miracles, he wanted _me!_

But it _wasn't_ gonna happen if I kept him hangin' there, waitin' for my answer with a world of agony in those eyes. I tried to hurry and reassure him that, Hell yeah, I was ready with bells on!

Here's what came outta my mouth, though. "Uh, sure. I mean no. I mean, you won't hurt me. Ya know, with the spell an' all, I'm just as good as new, 'cept I've never been like this before, I mean, ya know, a woman…"

Oh, shut the fuck up, Tasuki!

Ya gotta understand—I'm a fuckhead bandit. Never been raised to be a proper young lady, 'cause, hell, I was a _guy! _So what I did next, I know that no proper lady would ever do…but fuck it.

See, he was still pressed up against me, an' the evidence of how much he wanted me was right out there for the world, or at least me, to see. Now, he didn't have the same advantage in my case, an' as I saw it, that wasn't fuckin' fair. So I reached down an' untied my trousers, then grabbed his hand and put it right where he could feel me, hot and slick against his fingers.

I guess he got the message, 'cause things started happening pretty fast. We were all over each other, grabbing and kissing wildly and tearing each other's clothes off. There always comes the moment, though, when everything comes to a complete stop—yeah, there it was. We were kneeling before each other, naked, kinda hesitating as to what to try first, when the thought crossed my mind (and what the fuck was I doing _thinkin'_ at a time like this?)… Anyway, the thought was that I wished I could magically make the fire dwindle, maybe all the way down to embers, so that the light wouldn't be so…bright.

I don't know if my thoughts showed that clear on my face, or if I moved an arm to cover some of my weirder parts…or if Tama was some kinda mind-reader, 'cause all of a sudden, he reached out and grasped my arms, holding them at my sides.

"Don't," he said, his voice as soft an' smooth as Imperial sake, making these weird little shivers run through my body. "Don't be ashamed, Tasuki."

Oh sure, easy for him to say. Look at him—he's fuckin' perfect, the bastard. Makes me sick. Well, no, actually; not making me sick at all. But _my_ freakish body, on the other hand….

"Stop it." His hands moved gently up my arms, trailing across my shoulders and finally coming to rest feather light on my face. His thumbs traced the line of my jaw…an' it felt like he had me under some kinda spell or something, 'cause even though he was barely touchin' me, I couldn't move a muscle. Shit, I could hardly breathe! All I could do was keep starin' into those gray eyes, losin' myself in their depths until I felt like I was floating in a violet-flecked sky.

"You're beautiful," the whisper floated up to join me. "You're as beautiful now…" his fingers suddenly trembled on my face, and I heard a different tone in his voice. It almost sounded like fear.

"…as you were before."

My eyes snapped back into focus at that. _Wha..?_ Tama thought I was beautiful _before_ any of this shit went down? Was he yanking me or somethin'?

But no, he looked too scared to be saying anything but the truth. And I don't know what happened to me, but for once I was able to push my own questions aside in favor of taking care of him. I looped my arms around his neck and leaned forward, brushing my lips against the midnight hair at his temple.

"It's okay," I whispered into his ear. "Everything's okay."

And it was.

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_To be continued…_

This is a repost and re-edit of a story I first posted in June 2005. I have completed the story and hope to keep posting on a regular basis. For any readers who might be wondering about the status of my previous story "Wounded", I have nearly completed the final chapter and hope to update in the next week or two.

Thank you for reading.

Aenisses 13-November-2005


	2. Combustion

All rights to Fushigi Yuugi belong to Yuu Watase, Shogakukan Shojo Comics, TV Tokyo, Studio Pierrot, and Pioneer Video.

This story is R-rated for language and sexual situations.

_All portions of the text and dialogue of this story have been copyrighted by me. Please do not take or reproduce any part of this story without my express written permission._

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**Chapter 2. Combustion**  
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So you're still here, are ya? Can't seem to stay away from my personal papers, huh? Either ya got a death wish yer hopin' I'll fulfill for ya—an' if I'm anywhere around, yer in luck—or ya just gotta know what happened next, even if I'm comin' around the corner with my tessen blazing.

I guess I gotta respect that kind of single-mindedness…so I'll be sure to salute yer pile of ashes when I'm done toastin' yer ass.

The thing is, I'm just as single-minded. You get me goin' down one path, an' come hell or high water, I'm pretty much there. It's never been my style to second-guess myself.

Except in this story I'm writin' down. Bein' saddled with all those female parts musta done somethin' equally whacked to my brain, 'cause there I was, just on the verge of havin' sex, and I couldn't seem to stop _thinkin'!_

I mean, what the fuck? Sex is sex, right? As long as ya end up gettin' off, what's there to think about?

But I couldn't seem to stop. An' the foremost thought in my mind didn't have anythin' to do with me gettin' off—it was all about him.

I had this funny, soft feelin' in my chest, kinda like when I held the baby, but more grown-up. It's not like I wanted to mother Tama or anythin'—_gah,_ even _writin'_ that makes me want to shudder or puke!—but it was kinda related. I guess I'd hafta call it "tenderness" or some shit like that.

I wanted to make him feel special, the way that he'd just made _me_ feel special. I mean, nobody'd ever called me beautiful before…. Yeah, no shit, yer prob'ly thinkin'. But that's the thing: he didn't hafta say it either. He coulda had me without sayin' one goddamn thing, and he sure as shit didn't hafta say it with all that feeling shinin' outta those eyes of his.

It didn't only make me feel special, though; it made me really, and I mean _really,_ hot!

So I gave in to those strange feelings of tenderness or whatnot, an' I tried to see if I could make him feel the same way.

We were still kneelin' before each other, an' our foreheads were touchin', 'cause I was holdin' him an' caressin' the back of his neck. I started to move my hands down, lightly touchin' his skin, tryin' to see if I could make him breathe any faster than he already was breathin'—an' I kept thinkin' how weird it was to care at all.

That was Tama, though; he made ya care about him, even if you were nothin' but a half-male/half-female shithead bandit freak.

Who happened to feel beautiful at the moment. 'Cause he said I was.

So it was payback time, an' I oughta know how to make a man feel good, havin' been one myself until recently. I reached down an' grasped him firmly—and almost fell over in shock. God _damn, _I didn't expect the fireworks in my groin to go all "rockets only" just at the feel of him! But he was hot an' slippery an' pulsing in my hand, an' it felt like somethin' was on fire in my center, an' singin' in my brain, an' _Gods!_ I think the sounds I was makin' weren't even human! My hand, though, never stopped moving, stroking, exploring him; it was like I couldn't get enough of him!

He was panting, too; these funny little gasps that were rising in pitch with every stroke. His head fell back an' his hands clutched at my shoulders, his fingers digging into my skin…but I didn't care, 'cause I was too caught up in the way touchin' him made me feel. Suddenly his hips jerked, and he thrust hard into my hand; once, twice, an' my mind was goin', Yeah, oh _yeah!_

"Tasuki!" he cried, his voice a strangled choke. "Tasuki, _stop,_ please!"

I damn near knocked him over, gettin' away from him. Ya see, the way I was brought up by my mom and then the boss, stop means STOP! It don't matter when it's said or how far gone ya are; ya just make yer farewell bow an' get the hell _outta_ there!

Doesn't stop the disappointment, hurt, or confusion, though. I guess all of that was written on my face, or what he could see of it as I scrambled away from him. Tama had to lunge after me and pin me, holdin' me tremblin' beneath him before I could make out the words he was tryin' to say.

"I'm sorry, Tasuki, I didn't mean it that way! Listen, shhhh, you didn't do anything wrong. Tasuki, hear me, _please!"_

Finally I focused on his face. Man, he looked like shit, all stricken an' pale an' shaky. 'Course, I figured that I looked just as bad. I had all these feelings roiling around inside me, all these questions an' accusations burstin' to come out. But this is what I said.

"Wha..?"

My confusion seemed to really get to Tama; he looked like he was about to cry or somethin', but instead he ducked his head and kissed me. Then he kissed me again. Guess he thought he'd hit on the way to calm me down.

Guess he was right.

Calmed him down, too. When we finally quit hyperventilating, and our hearts slowed down to something only ten notches above normal, he started talkin' again.

"I didn't say 'stop' because you were doing something wrong." His voice was so soft, it drifted down to me like snowfall. "I meant that what you were doing…that you were too…the way your hand felt, I almost—" his cheeks blushed bright pink. "—_came,"_ he whispered.

I had to bite down on my lip to keep from smiling. Goddamn it, he was so goddamn _cute!_ Wait, I didn't really think that girly word, did I? Oh fuck it, I might as well think it since at the moment, I _was_ a girl. Anyway, I was too busy tryin' to keep a straight face.

"Tama," I whispered back, "that was the fuckin' _point!"_

"No." He shook his head, no longer cute with his jaw tightening in resolve. Now he looked just plain fuckin' hot. "No, I don't want it to be…just me. Not for our first time. I mean…" His cheeks grew even pinker, if that was possible, and his words came out in a jumbled rush. "Tasuki, I have to tell you something. I…I've never done this before!"

Okay, ya gotta understand somethin'. If I end up in Heaven instead of one of the seven hells, it'll be because of that moment, when I fought with everythin' I had an' managed to keep from bustin' out laughin'. It felt like every part of me was strainin' to shout, "God _damn,_ Tama, ya think yer makin' this shockin' revelation; as if ya didn't have 'Virgin!' plastered on yer ass for the whole world to see?"

But I didn't say it. I didn't even crack a smile. Maybe my female half was savin' me, 'cause lookin' back, laughin' my ass off at him prob'ly woulda ended the romance right there and then.

Instead, I just gazed up into those clear gray eyes an' said, "Well, we better take it slow, then, huh?"

An' here's the freaky thing: no sooner had I _pretended_ to take it seriously, than the whole situation turned serious for real. The thought slammed into me like a fist in a bar brawl.

His first time was gonna be with me.

I can't explain exactly what happened, but it was like a buncha feelings got dumped on me all jumbled up. I felt shaky an' excited an' scared all at once. Maybe the freakiest thing of all was an unexpected feeling of responsibility.

I reached up an' drew him close against my body, real gentle, like he was made of glass or somethin'. He was only half-hard right now due to the shocks we had given each other. I just let him rest against me for a moment, both of us breathin' fast as we got used to the feel of each other's skin.

The thought kept boomin' through my mind like a giant gong. I was gonna take his virginity. An' I wanted it to be the best experience of his life.

All right, I know what yer thinkin': how the hell could I mess it up? Yeah, I've heard all the same shit you have; even told the same jokes myself. For a guy, there ain't no such thing as bad sex. For a guy, there's only good sex or no sex. Losin' his virginity is the best thirty seconds of a guy's life. Ha, ha, ha.

Except…there _can_ be bad sex for a guy—real bad sex. Like if ya just turned sixteen, an' the boss decides that ya gotta go to a whorehouse if yer ever gonna be accepted as a man by the other drinkin', whorin' bandits. An' yer scared shitless, 'cause ya hate girls, an' the reason ya hate girls is that yer scared shitless of 'em. But yer aniki drags ya there anyway. So there she is, an' her eyes are cold an' she smells like unwashed skin an' other men, all covered over with musky perfume. But she grabs ya an' pumps on ya an' makes ya hard, so ya think okay, I can do this if only I can keep from pissin' myself in terror. Finally it's over in just a few minutes an' that's good, but ya feel all soft an' grateful for a moment, so ya try to kiss her. Then she swings her fist an' clouts ya a good one upside your head, an' snarls at ya to give her the goddamn money an' get the _fuck_ out, ya dumbshit kid! An' yer aniki clouts ya another one fer bein' stupid enough to wanna kiss a whore, an' ya ride back to the compound fightin' tears all the way, not understandin' why ya feel all dirty an' used, an' how that makes you a man.

Yeah, the first time can suck major hind tit—but it wasn't gonna be that way for him.

I guess all these memories musta made me shudder or somethin,' 'cause Tama suddenly lifted up to look into my face. "Are you all right?"

I looked up into those eyes filled with worry, soft with care…an' I told him the truth. "I'm doin' great, Tama; never been better."

Just like that, all the bad thoughts and memories vanished, an' I was right there in the moment, the way sex is supposed to work. I felt his skin rasp against mine, felt him warm between my thighs…an' the fire flared up in me again, makin' me tremble with raw, demanding _need_—

But I'd promised him 'slow,' hadn't I? A promise is a promise, so I reached up and took his face in my shaking hands. I brought him slowly closer, until our lips just brushed; not the hungry kisses we'd exchanged earlier, but something sweet, almost achin' with controlled desire. I moved my lips against his as if I was whisperin' secrets that only his heart could hear…an' he did the same, exploring my mouth just as soft an' sweet. It was fuckin' awesome, what holdin' back could make ya feel. It was like lightnin' was travelin' up an' down my body—an' I knew he felt the same, 'cause I could feel pulsing movements down at my thighs as he grew hard again.

I reached my hands down and pressed against his back so that he was pushed against me, an' I heard his little gasp of surprise. Whoa, no, slow down, Tasuki! or else his first time is gonna be over in no time flat! Draw it out; make him feel…everything.

I ran my hands up the lines of his back, digging in my thumbs in a deep massage. He moaned in pleasure, and I felt the tension leave his muscles. Good; he was back under control, and we were back on track. I reached up and untied his hair, watching as it fell across his shoulders like blue-black silk. Man, I never knew he had so much hair! Usually he kept it under control in his customary ponytail…but now freed from its ties, it fell everywhere around us, as sleek and soft as the rarest Imperial silk. I couldn't help it; I ran my hands through it over and over, lettin' the strands whisper through my fingers.

Not that Tama was just lyin' there, though; his hands were just as busy exploring my skin. I was a little embarrassed by how fascinated he seemed by my weird male/female breasts—but hey, this was what it was all about, right? Gettin' close to each other, hiding nothin', feelin' all these new feelings as his hands did things no one had ever done to me before. I felt sparks of pleasure, an' my body arched against his for a moment. This seemed to excite him even more, and his hands got more eager an' enthusiastic, pullin' at me, grippin' harder…wait, _twistin'_ my—

Ow, ow, ow, ow, _ow, goddamn it, SHIT!_

I didn't even think—my hand just flashed down between us an' grabbed up a handful of firm, heavy flesh. I lifted and squeezed…an' Tama froze in place, eyes wide in surprise an' only inches from my own furious glare. We stayed like that, face to face, for one heartbeat…two…then—

"Tasuki." Tama's voice was breathless, and pitched a little higher than usual. "I think maybe…this isn't meant…in a…_friendly_ way."

"It ain't!"

I turned my hand a fraction, and he yelped.

"Do you think…you could…loosen your grip…just…a _little?_"

"I got a deal for ya, Tama," I snarled through gritted teeth. "You let go of the tits—an' _I'll_ let go of the balls."

He released me immediately, but I was still pissed, so I held him just a moment longer, tightening my fingers on the velvety flesh so that he gasped…an' only then did I let go.

He sucked in a breath, beads of sweat forming on his forehead, but his eyes were shinin' in a weird way. "Let me know if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing that…I hurt you."

"Got it in one, dickhead!"

"I'm sorry." His voice was contrite, but something else trembled beneath his tones. "Let me make it up to you." Just that fast, he pinned my arms to the ground and lowered his head to my chest, kissin' the injured flesh. Then his tongue started workin'.

"_Gods!"_ I cried, my body practically flyin' up into the rafters from the sensations that he sent crashin' through me. But see, I was still pissed at him, an' it wasn't fair that he was makin' me feel so good when I wanted to stay _mad_ at him! So I tried to twist away, but he held me in place, his ogre power easily overpowering my own strength. That made me madder, which for some reason made me hotter for him, which then made what he was doin' drive me fuckin' _insane! _I don't know why or how, but it felt like his tongue was sendin' sparks from my chest down to my groin, makin' my back arch again an' my hips jerk against his. The fire started buildin' in my center, takin' me over so I couldn't fight it any longer. I closed my eyes and thought, _He's gonna do it! He's gonna make me come with his tongue alone! _and just when I was sure this was_ it—_

He stopped.

Tama lifted wide and innocent eyes to mine. "Better?"

I couldn't talk 'cause I couldn't catch my breath, but I sent him a look so evil, his balls shoulda shriveled up and fled back into his body. The Mount Kaou bandits have been known to piss themselves at that look from me.

Didn't seem to work too well on this guy, though.

"I'll take that as a 'yes,'" he went on smoothly, soundin' more pleased with himself than Hotohori after a mirror session.

He was a dead man.

The asshole didn't seem to realize that he only had a few seconds left on this earth, an' went on chattin' pleasantly. "But you see, fair is fair, Tasuki. You hurt me too, so now…" he leaned in close so I could see the sparkle in his eyes, "…you have to do the same for me."

"You _BASTARD!"_ I shrieked, and somehow twisted and flipped him so that he was now underneath me. I threw one punch after another at him, which he blocked in his usual way. "You're _laughin'_ at me, you fucker! I'll _kill_ ya for this, d'ya hear me?"

"Tasuki, wait; Tasuki, calm down!"

His words didn't do any good, since he was laughing even harder as he fought me off. We rolled across the floor, struggling wildly an' bumpin' into the stalls, makin' the old plow horse stamp in alarm, an' the cows low testily. The one amazing thing was that the baby didn't start cryin'—but then again, she was usta sleepin' in a barn fulla noisy animals, so what was two more? But I guess my baby worries made me hesitate just long enough to give Tama the opening he needed. The fucker grabbed both my fists, then lifted me up an' carried me over to our makeshift bed, pushin' me down an' pressin' his body over mine so I couldn't get up.

I struggled once more but realized that I couldn't get away from him, so I turned my head to one side and stared off into space, sulking. All right, it was a girly thing to do, but fuck it! What other choice did he leave me?

"Come on, don't be mad," he wheedled. "I wasn't laughing at you, Tasuki; I was laughing at _us."_

"So what's the big joke, then, huh?" I snarled at the hay bale to my left.

"Look at us!" His voice was choked with laughter. "Don't you find it the least bit funny that in the middle of making mad, passionate love to each other, we end up in a brawl?"

"Hey, you started it, asshole! _I_ wasn't the one who was treatin' parts of your body like they were removable! An' another thing—!" But finally my brain caught up to my ears. I grew still, feelin' this weird warm glow move up my body, makin' my thoughts soft and fuzzy and my voice all trembly. "What did you just say?"

He started to smirk as if he were gonna make another smartass remark, but somethin' in my face musta stopped him. His expression grew serious an' he moved down my body, pressin' down on me an' bringin' his face real close to mine, so that all I could see were his eyes.

"I said that we were in the middle of making love…"

I blinked, holdin' my breath.

"…but I lied."

Okay, Tasuki, don't start with the fuckin' tears. You don't need the pretty words; it's not like ya ever heard them before, anyway. If sex is all he wants, that's good enough for you.

It has to be.

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes so that he wouldn't see my disappointment. He was so close now that his lips brushed mine, an' I felt his words more than heard them.

"We're not in the middle; I've only just _begun_ to make love to you."

Then he put his mouth right next to my ear and started tellin' me all the things he was gonna do to me, usin' all these words I had no idea he even knew, and describin' things that we were gonna do with our bodies, some things that I never heard of but sure as hell hoped were possible! The whole time, his midnight hair fell around us like a curtain, makin' me feel like we were enclosed in a secret place that only the two of us would ever find. An' his body moved hard against me, lookin' for that one place he was meant to go, brushin' against somethin' that made me shudder an' cry out—

An' I knew I hadda _stop_ him, 'cause I was fallin,' fallin' for him, an' when I fell, I would break _hard_, shattering into a thousand pieces so that I'd never be the same again. I tried to think of somethin,' anythin' to say to slow him down, to slow _me_ down, to give me time to get back in control!

"Slow!" I cried out, desperate. "I thought we were gonna take it slow, Tama! You're supposed to be--"

"A virgin, I know, but that doesn't mean I'm an idiot!" He lifted up and grinned at me, his features flushed and damp. "And even if I _were_ a complete idiot, your body is telling me the right way to go. Tasuki, listen," he panted, still moving against my skin, pushing between my thighs, "I appreciate—ah!…the way you've tried, ahhhm, to be gentle with me—but I don't want gentle!"

He stopped moving, and his voice dropped into a throaty growl. "I want your fire. I want to be inside you and feel your heat, to have you tight around me as you go up in flames. I want you to take me to heaven and hell as only you can—and I'm willing to pay the price. _Burn_ me, Tasuki!"

That was it. I fell, spinnin' crazily out of the sky—but he was fallin' with me, wrapped around me, an' instead of breakin' into pieces, we burst into flame. I raised my legs, restin' my knees against his hips an' bringin' him close, where he needed to be. He brought his hand down to guide himself, fumblin' a little in his eagerness, but that was all right with me, because _everything_ was all right with me.

I drew his face next to mine, leanin' my cheek against his so that he couldn't see me wince as we tried to fit together. Ya see, my body was new, an' although it was experienced in lettin' a baby out, it seemed to resist lettin' a man in. We kept tryin' though: Tama pushin' slow but forceful, me tryin' to match his rhythm. Almost there, _almost there_…. He was halfway in when he suddenly grasped my face, turnin' it and seizin' my lips, his tongue plunging into my mouth as his hips made a powerful thrust—an' he was in all the way.

I'd like to say that it was instant ecstasy for me, but to tell the truth, it felt kinda weird at first. I wasn't used to havin' somethin' inside me like that, an' it seemed a little uncomfortable, in spite of my arousal. The fire flickered in me a bit…until Tama started to move again. He made this sound, somethin' between a purr an' a growl, and his pleasure ignited me. What was a little unpleasant friction, if I could make him feel that way?

Except it wasn't unpleasant for long. It got less uncomfortable with every stroke, an' sometime in those first moments, it went from "Ah, okay" to "Whoa!" Yeah, there was a definite buzz buildin' through my whole body, makin' me feel real good while leavin' room for me to notice the little things.

Like the way his arms tightened and spasmed around me, as if he was riding waves of pleasure.

The way his cheek pressed against mine, its roughness somehow arousing me, makin' me glad that he forgot to shave this morning.

The masculine scent of his skin, sweet an' clean like the hay that surrounded us but carryin' a trace of musk.

Most of all, I was caught up in that whole hypnotic rhythm he set, moving in me deep an' steady, makin' me feel as if he was rockin' me in his arms. I moved with him, tracin' his spine with my fingers, nippin' him gently with my fangs. He groaned and thrust harder, pickin' up speed—an' I could feel the tension buildin' in him. He was real close now, I knew, an' this dizzy sense of power swept through me.

_Pretty soon,_ I told myself, savoring the feeling of triumph; _any second now—_

"No!" he gasped an' stopped moving, pressing his face into my neck as he shuddered, fightin' for control.

I gritted my teeth in frustration. "Yer startin' to make a habit outta this, Tama, an' I'm _tellin'_ ya—"

"No, I'm telling _you!_" He met my gaze, his jaw all set an' determined, like he was in the middle of a battle or somethin'. "Not this way—not just me. You're not there yet, are you?"

"Tama, listen, I'm feelin' good; you're makin' me feel _real_ good—"

"Not good enough!"

Man, he was bein' a stubborn ass! What the fuck, did he think that I could make my body do whatever he wanted? It wasn't like I had a lifetime of experience in knowin' how this body worked!

For a second, I toyed with the idea of fakin' it. Well, okay, I didn't really know _how_ to fake it, but it wasn't like Tama was some kinda expert either. Maybe if I groaned and arched my back at the right moment, he'd think that I was climaxing right with him. Then he would be happy, an' I would be happy, an'—

I would've lied to him. I would've lied to him an' tricked him, an' that's not what we were about. We were about trust…or nothin' at all.

So I swallowed my pride and decided to tell him the truth. "Tama, I'm sorry. I guess I don't know what I'm doin'. I only know that I don't want ya to stop, an' I'm sorry that I can't—"

"You idiot!" He locked his arms around my waist an' pulled us up, managing to stay inside me somehow. He was sitting back on his knees now, an' I was straddling his lap—an' whoa! It felt a little…different. "It's my fault, not yours!" he went on scoldin' me. "You haven't done anything wrong; in fact, you've been…perfect."

Suddenly he reached along my back and grabbed my hair, twistin' its length around his hand and bringin' my face right up against his. I caught my breath, mesmerized by the desire blazing in his eyes.

"You're perfect. You're beautiful. Let me tell you what you're doing to me. Let me tell you how it feels to be inside you."

Then he started tellin' me just that, all these words that spoke of pleasure and passion and ecstasy. It was like he was reciting poetry or singing to me…an' I felt these strange thrills runnin' through me, as if he was strikin' chords deep inside me. It was like the words themselves were doin' things to me—an' I didn't understand how words alone could drive a body to ecstasy, but hell, I didn't care!

The whole time, he was moving inside me with short, deep strokes, making me feel these rising bursts of pleasure. I tilted my head back against his hand and gasped as I moved with him, against him—an' he responded, wrappin' his other arm around my waist an' movin' faster an' harder. Our seishi symbols blazed with scarlet light, _tsubasa_ and _oni_ shinin' together, lightin' up the whole barn an' prob'ly the surroundin' countryside as well, but we were too lost in each other to care.

Somehow, Tama kept talkin' to me, his words breathless now but even more passionate. He called me all these strange names:

_Wild heart,_ he gasped. _Starchild, come with me. Take me to heaven, fire angel, fly me on your wings. _

And I felt myself rising with him, riding his passion, feeling something in me tighten and tense—and I knew that he had me, _had_ me right here, right now, now an' _forever—_

_Burn for me, Tasuki!_ His voice vibrated with rapture, a trembling command. _Burn for me the way I burn for you! Open your eyes, and see how I burn!_

So I opened my eyes—and fell into his, those eyes that raged with desire, devouring me. I felt myself go up in a burst of flame…and in that moment I knew what it was like to _be_ the tessen: shooting explosive fire with powerful, unbeatable force. I cried out, convulsing against him, tightening around him, feeling him plunge deep into me as he screamed out his own ecstasy. We clung to each other, gasping as the flames consumed us, forging us together into one single being made of perfect joy.

Finally, the ecstasy receded, leaving us trembling an' weak. Tama released my hair, laying me gently back on our makeshift bed of straw covered by cloaks. He settled his body over mine again, an' I felt him soft an' warm against me. We touched each other gently, brushing our lips together as we slowly returned to earth. We were both silent, stunned by the intensity of what we'd just experienced, content just to feel and caress each other until we could find the right words to say.

Right then, a querulous, mewling cry rose up from the manger—an' we both laughed at the baby's timing.

"I'll get her." Tama lifted off me an' walked over to the manger, pickin' up Yu-chan an' cooing to her as he reached for one of the cloths we cut up for diapers.

I got up on one elbow an' watched him, thinkin' that I'd never seen him look hotter, still flushed from our lovemaking but all paternal an' caring now. He finished changing the baby, laughing as she grabbed a fistful of his loose hair, then turned to bring her to me.

He stopped an' blushed at whatever it was he saw in my eyes. "What?" he mumbled, embarrassed.

I grinned at him, enjoying the fact that _he_ was now the self-conscious one. "I was just thinkin,'" I mused, "that I never really understood what the word 'beautiful' meant…until now."

He went completely scarlet at that, frozen in place—until Yu-chan complained again.

He quickly deposited her in my arms. "Here, feed your daughter."

The gruffness in his voice made me smile again, 'specially when he pressed a cup of water in my hands an' tenderly brushed the hair out of my eyes. Yeah, Tama was a real tough guy, all right.

He settled down behind me an' rested one hand on my hip. I felt a little twinge of guilt at how the baby had interrupted us before I had the chance to tell him…anything.

"Sorry," I murmured.

"For what?"

"Well, Yu-chan woke a little too soon, an'…"

"Don't worry about it." His warm breath trickled down my neck, makin' me shiver. "Now if she had woken five minutes earlier, _I_ would be the one crying."

I laughed. "Yeah, me too." I searched my mind for somethin' else to say, somethin' that would convey what I was feeling: a word that meant gratitude and wonder and somethin' deep an' tender, all rolled together—but my thoughts were gettin' vague an' fuzzy, an' suddenly I felt so _tired_….

I didn't wake again till maybe a couple of hours later. Yu-chan was still nestled against my breast, her tiny hands pressed against my skin…an' I could feel Tama resting against my back, his deep, even breathing warm against my shoulder as his arm curled possessively over my side.

An' I looked for the right words to describe what I felt right then, sandwiched between the two of them. It was like every good thing I'd ever felt in my life: warmth an' comfort an' peace an' home…

…and somethin' new, somethin' that I'd never felt before but somehow recognized in my soul.

I felt…loved.

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_To be continued..._

Author note: Thank you for reading. I am currently finishing Chapter 3 for posting next month. A note of gratitude to my editors for their input and advice.

-Aenisses- 15-December-2005


	3. Afterburn

All rights to Fushigi Yuugi belong to Yuu Watase, Shogakukan Shojo Comics, TV Tokyo, Studio Pierrot, and Pioneer Video.

This chapter is rated M for language and sexual situations.

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**Chapter 3. Afterburn**

It took me a long time to wake up the next morning, prob'ly because Yu-chan was right next to me, helpin' herself to breakfast without making me get up. Funny that I'd only had her a few days, but already I could feed her in my sleep, switching her to the other side when she fussed after emptying the first one. Greedy little shit.

Another thing that kept me only half-conscious was the fact that my body felt so good—better than it ever had in my life, to tell the truth. My muscles were loose and relaxed, and it seemed that even my bones were hummin' some kinda happy, contented song. I felt like I had been given one of those kiss-yer-ass Imperial concubine massages; like someone had gone to a lotta trouble to make sure that every inch of me was pampered.

Reality hit in the form of a blast of cold, damp wind, makin' my eyes fly open in surprise. I instinctively curled around the baby to protect her, but the wind was cut off right then with the slamming of the barn door. I looked back over my shoulder—an' there stood Tama, soakin' wet in only a pair of trousers but with a big shit-eatin' grin on his face.

For a moment, my brain disconnected as I dimly recalled last night's earth-shatterin' events. I mean, he was standin' there lookin' the same as usual, so could it be that it was all just some crazy hentai dream of mine? That thought went out to the 'stupid' basket right away, 'cause a dream wouldn't explain why my groin was doin' fireworks just at the sight of him, an' why I reeked of sex. Not to mention the look in his eyes when he caught my glance, his expression changin' from self-satisfaction to somethin' both hot an' tender.

I felt my face go warm with a furious blush, an' I think we were just stuck there, starin' at each other—when Yu-chan suddenly let out a squawk, like she was saying, "Hey, remember me?" That broke the spell, an' we started laughin'…until I finally caught sight of the bedraggled forms clutched in Tama's hands. I saw long, drippin' tail feathers an' bright white rings around droopin' greenish necks—

"Shit, Tama! How'd ya manage to catch a coupla pheasants?" I was so pleased, I didn't bother to keep the admiration outta my voice.

Now Tama was as red as me. "It was just luck," he said modestly. "They turned up in my snares this morning. I guess the floods forced them to look for food outside their usual haunts."

"All the same, ya did a great job settin' the snares. Want any help cleanin' 'em?"

"Won't that make you sick?"

"Nah, baby's on the outside now," I pointed to where she was wavin' her hands in the air an' watchin' the shadows on the roof, "so food stays on the inside. No more puking, thank the gods. Here, hand me a knife."

So I got dressed real quick, an' we plucked and cleaned the birds in almost no time. Tama set one to smoke over our outside fire and put the other in a pot with water, some wild onions an' carrots, an' a chunk of salt off the cows' salt lick. Hey, beggars can't be choosers, an' at least he washed off the surface before tossin' it in the pot.

In between helpin' him, I played with Yu-chan, takin' out one of my earrings an' twistin' it in the air so that she could watch it sparkle in the firelight. I also saved a coupla pheasant feathers so that she could have a ball watchin' those once they dried out. She'd been fed and changed, so she was pretty happy as far as I could tell, kickin' her legs an' suckin' on her hands whenever one happened to pass close to her mouth. Her blue eyes never stopped movin,' focusing on my face for a while before turnin' to look up at the rafters, then back at the earring. I never thought that a one-week old baby could be so interesting, but hey, life was fulla surprises lately.

The soup was startin' to smell good, but somethin' else seemed a little…off. Tama had cleaned the stalls, so that wasn't it. I checked the baby's bottom: nope, all clear there. I inhaled again—an' went red when I realized the problem.

"Here, Tama." I handed him Yu-chan, who was sleepily suckin' on her fist, an' grabbed the bar of thick yellow saddle soap. I walked over to the door, staring out into the steady downpour.

Tama followed me, frowning. "What are you doing?"

"Goin' out to clean up."

"But it's cold out there. You'll get sick!"

Man, he sounded like a nervous fussbritches. I raised my eyebrows at his authoritative tone. "Listen, Tama, if I don't do somethin' about the way I smell, _you _all are gonna end up gettin' sick."

He came even closer, putting his face next to my neck. "You smell of sex," he said, and flashed this secret, seductive grin.

I swear, if he wasn't holdin' the baby, I woulda jumped him right there an' then! But even a bandit has his personal standards.

"Yeah, but take the smell of sex plus a few more hours in a warm barn, an' pretty soon the _cows_ are gonna be kickin' my ass out. Don't worry 'bout me, Tama; just watch Yu-chan an' get a dry cloth ready, 'kay?"

Then I don't know what demon took hold of me, but right in front of him, I peeled off my shirt an' kicked off my trousers, then turned an' walked casually naked out into the downpour, aware of his shocked and longing stare.

Once out there, though, I forgot everything but the pleasure of gettin' clean. I'd walked out to a slight rise only about a hundred paces away from the barn, where the grass had stayed thick and green in spite of the punishing floods. The rain was fallin' hard an' steady but there was no wind, so it didn't feel like needles on my bare skin. It was chilly but not freezin' cold; the warm late summer air was prob'ly what caused the early monsoon, anyway.

I rinsed the saddle soap outta my hair by runnin' my fingers through the wet strands over an' over. Yeah, now I smelled like horse tack, but I'd rather smell like a clean horse than a filthy human any day. I tried to clean my back, but it was too hard to reach. The soap slipped from my grasp, an' I cursed briefly…until a pair of warm arms encircled my waist, holding out the fallen soap.

"Tama!" I gasped, feelin' his warm skin an' hard body pressed against mine. The fire flared up in me once more…but as always, there was the eternal question. "The baby?"

"In the manger, sleeping…like a baby."

I could hear the smile in his voice an' tried to turn to face him, but he held me where I was. I reached for the soap, but he pulled it back.

"No," he murmured into my neck. "I'm the one who made the mess; I'll be the one to clean it up."

I felt him trace my spine with the bar of soap, followed by the press of his fingers. He massaged my neck muscles, makin' me weak with pleasure, then reached all the way around me, pullin' me into him. His hands kept movin' all over my body, runnin' that soap bar everywhere—above, below, before, between—makin' me gasp an' writhe against him. The soap soon fell forgotten to the ground, an' then his hands took over, slidin' across my slippery skin, leavin' trails of fire wherever he touched. My head fell back against his shoulder, an' I could feel him hot an' hard between my thighs…an' I can't describe how _wild_ all this felt! The cold rain, his hot fingers, his eager body—all these together sent bursts of sensation streamin' though me, pullin' me up as tight an' tense as a drawn bow.

Right at that moment, his fingers found my center…an' he began to play me, strokin' light an' hard, both insistent an' yielding, takin' me higher an' higher with every single touch. I pushed my shoulders against him as my back arched in ecstasy, and all I could think was how could he know me, _know me_ as no one else has ever known me? I tried to hold on but it was too late—the lightning arced from his fingers throughout my entire body, an' I cried out as I came _hard_, clampin' my thighs helplessly around his hand. The waves kept comin' one after the other, flinging my body against him over and over again until I almost couldn't breathe anymore. Finally the sensations receded, an' my knees gave out. I would've collapsed on the ground if it wasn't for his arm strong around me, holding me tight against his body.

My head was bowed, an' I dreamily watched the water stream off my hair, feelin' him rain soft kisses on my neck. Outta the corner of my eye, I saw him flex his free hand a few times, an' the realization hit, snappin' me wide awake.

"Ah, shit, Tama, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to crush your hand; I couldn't help—"

He spun me around an' silenced me with a deep kiss that made my knees go weak all over again. Then he gripped my face, starin' into my eyes with an intense, burning gaze.

"Don't ever apologize to me for losing control." His voice was this sensual growl that made me shiver more than the cold rain. "I love making you come! I love watching you flare up, all passion and fire. You can't imagine what it does to me, to see you like that!"

Well, actually I could, feelin' him hard an' eager against my body. Suddenly a thought crossed my mind, an' I lowered my glance so that he couldn't see the mischief in my eyes.

"Well, all the same," I said casually, "I didn't mean to hurt ya. Let me make it up to ya." I picked up his hand, massaging it. "But I seem to remember hurtin' ya yesterday as well, an' I think you said I owed ya for that. So…"

I dropped his hand an' dropped to my knees at the same time, locking my arms around his waist an' takin' him into my mouth. I felt him freeze up in shock…an' if I wasn't so occupied, I coulda laughed at how he didn't know what to do. He pushed against my shoulders for a moment, but I only clung harder to him, so then he tried to talk me outta it. He was usin' these broken, incoherent phrases, tellin' me that I didn't hafta do what I was doin' an' that I didn't owe him anythin'—an' with every passin' second he grew more incoherent, which was fine with me. Finally he gave in to it, movin' with me instead tryin' to pull away, so now I could free up my hands to do even more things to his body.

And I learned so much in those few minutes as I drove him to ecstasy. I learned that you could look like the submissive one down on your knees, but in reality you held all the power. I learned that it was a real rush to know that you could make him gasp or moan or cry out, an' that his body was helpless in your embrace. I learned that makin' love in this way wasn't a question of technique but of your awareness of your lover: how well you could read every muscle twitch, spasm, or indrawn breath. And when you succeed, an' everything on his body tightens up preparatory to lettin' go—I learned that triumph is a pale word to describe the fierce, overwhelming exhilaration that rushes through your entire body.

That was the best moment: the moment when Tama finally let go. He shook his head so that the water flew from his hair in a spray of diamonds, then lifted his arms to the heavens and shouted in joy. And I thought that I'd never seen him look so wild and free, like a spirit made of rain and dreams.

After he'd given me all of himself, he sank down to join me, an' we clung to one another. I kissed the cool skin of his shoulder, savoring the salt an' bittersweet taste of him against my lips…an' my mind kept replayin' that earlier moment. I realized that he'd prob'ly never been so free in his life, bein' that he was forced to become the man of the family when he was still a little kid. An' somethin' sharp and tender pierced my breast, so that tears leaked slowly from my eyes. I felt him tremble against me, an' I realized that he was cryin' too. We just held each other a little tighter, somehow knowin' without words that what we were feelin' were emotions so intense, we could only express them in tears.

Finally the rain penetrated the warm glow around us, washin' away our tears. I started feelin' a little chilled.

"Hey, Tama," I said in a soft, joking voice. "Now we gotta get cleaned up again."

He pulled back an' grinned at me. "Are you saying that you want to start all over?"

"Baka!" I cuffed him affectionately. "We gotta check on the baby. Just hand me the soap, will ya?"

We cleaned up as fast as we could an' ran back to the barn, grabbin' up the cloths that Tama had left by the door. We dried off, shiverin,' then toweled each other's hair, laughin' like a coupla kids. Thank Suzaku, Yu-chan was still sleepin' peacefully, an' the soup was just startin' to simmer over the fire—damn, it felt like we'd been out there for hours, but I guess we weren't gone that long. Tama pushed me down on our bed of hay an' cloaks, an' pulled another cloak over us. We wrapped our arms around each other, rubbin' each other's skin to try to warm up.

Then I learned something else I'd never known before: that one of the best times you can share with your lover is after the sex, when both your bodies are replete and satisfied, but ya keep holding and caressing each other anyway. It seemed that everywhere he touched me, tension just melted away and my muscles relaxed into him, and from the way he sank against me, I'm guessin' he felt the same. I discovered that I could make him shiver by nibbling on his earlobes and lightly stroking the small of his back, and he found out that my pleasure points were the nape of my neck and the insides of my wrists.

I looked for something to say this time, some way to let him know how special he was to me, so I opened my mouth and this was what came out.

"I never felt this way before, Tama."

Oh, real original, Tasuki. Ya dumbshit.

He seemed to take it serious, though, lookin' at me with an expression both hopeful and doubting. "Look, I know that you have way more experience than I do—and it's all right. You don't have to say things just to please me."

"Fuck, that ain't what I'm doin'!"

Okay, settle down, Tasuki. Bitin' his head off ain't the way to show him you care—not unless yer a praying mantis, that is. Maybe if ya explain it clearer, he'll understand.

I took a deep breath an' started over. "Listen, maybe I've had sex a few more times than you have, but it's never been with anyone I cared about. I'd only been with whores, Tama, an' that ain't nothin' like what we've shared here. It's like…like there's this deadness behind their eyes, so that all ya see if ya bother to look is yer own reflection; no feelin' for anythin' except the money in yer pocket an' the sake in yer cup. An' if yer not a total dumbshit, ya realize that it's men like you who put that deadness there, an' if that ain't a big turnoff, then yer just as dead inside as they are. So ya push the thought outta yer mind an' keep yer eyes away from theirs, an' it all turns into this big act, where ya both laugh like yer havin' a good time but it's really just business: they want yer money, an' you just wanna get off. There's no joy or wonder in it: only two animals coupling who don't even see each other."

I guess I musta shivered or something, 'cause Tama pulled me close, turning my body so that he curled around my back.

"I see you, Tasuki," he whispered. "I've seen you all along." Suddenly he grew still.

I figured that he'd said more than he meant to, but for some reason, I felt like talking instead of running away from the truth. So I guessed it was my turn to confess.

"I see ya, too, Tama," I said softly. "I see ya…an' feel ya…but I can hardly believe it! I mean, how'd we get here, to this place where we're…together? Last night, when it all started—why'd ya look at me that way?"

There was a long pause, and all of a sudden, the air seemed heavy, as if it was pressin' down on us, robbing us of the power to speak or even breathe. It was like there was something bad in the room with us, something that wanted to hurt us. My hand automatically went to my back as if I still had the tessen with me, but instead of cold, hard metal, my hand bumped into warm flesh.

Just like that, the spell or whatnot was broken, an' I heard Tama draw in a deep breath as he curled his fingers around mine.

"Tasuki."

"Uh-huh?" I hoped my voice wasn't as shaky as I felt.

"Do you remember the night we met?"

"Ya mean in the bar, right when all this started?"

"No." There was somethin' grim in the way he said that one word. "I meant the first time…in the gardens of the Kutou emperor."

Damn, if _that_ wasn't openin' a whole can of worms! I frowned, wonderin' why Tama would rather talk about that instead of answerin' my question, but somethin' made me go along with him.

I swallowed hard. "Sure I remember; it's not a night I'm likely to forget. But I didn't think _you_ remembered any of it, Tama, what with the kodoku an' all."

I tried to figure out why my heart was knockin' against my ribs and why I was hopin' that he would say, 'Right, I don't remember,' an' just leave it at that.

"I don't remember most of it…"

My heart lifted…

"…but I remember parts of it. I remember you."

Shit! No luck after all. I wanted to say something, _anything—_even make some dumb joke to break the tension—but I seemed to be back under that spell that held me mute an' helpless. All I could do was tighten my fingers around his, an' wait for whatever it was he wanted to say.

His voice went on, steady but soft with a kind of wondering grief. "I can't remember how I got there or what my motives were; I just remember standing there, facing you down. You looked like some kind of avenging spirit, ready to strike me down for my sins…and all I knew was that I had to kill you before you killed me. The thing was, I had no moral compass; I just wanted to kill and destroy, and it didn't matter how I did it."

I felt him shudder behind me, an' I tightened my grip on his fingers. I wanted to say, _'Just forget it! It's all over; just forget about it!'_ but somethin' deep inside me told me that I hadda let him talk.

"I remember you sheathing the tessen and putting up your fists, challenging me to fight hand-to-hand—and I didn't even pause. I just saw my opening and took it, hitting you with those damn nanchakus over and _over and OVER—!" _His voice broke on a sob.

That was it. I twisted in his embrace and took him in my arms, holding him tight against me as he cried. I smoothed his hair, waiting until he stopped shuddering and sobbing. Finally he got quiet, an' I figured he was ready to hear me.

"Listen, Tama, it's done. It's over an' done with, an' I got past it a long time ago."

I hesitated, remembering my resentment towards him, a resentment I still held until a couple of weeks ago. I shrugged internally. There were times when it was best to tell the truth—but this wasn't one of 'em. Fuck it, I was gonna tell him what he _needed_ to hear.

"Anyway," I continued, my voice carefully light, "it's not like you coulda done me any real damage; you ain't got what it takes. It's not that easy to kill me."

He finally laughed, though it sounded more like a sob. His words were muffled against my chest. "That's what you kept saying that night. No matter what I did to you, you kept getting up again and defying me—"

"Look, can't we just forget about this?" I was real uncomfortable with the whole situation, so I did the usual an' started gettin' pissed off. "It's _over_ already! I don't know how many times I gotta keep tellin' ya that!"

He pulled back an' met my eyes. "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going somewhere with this, Tasuki. I promise I won't break down again."

He flushed a little at that, an' somethin' in me melted at the sight of his red eyes and embarrassment. Damned if he wasn't makin' me feel all girly again!

"Look," I said. "Seein' as ya hadda put up with about five hundred cryin' jags from me, I think that I owe ya at least one or two, huh? Don't worry about it."

He stared at me for a second. "It's different…" he said, real soft and quiet, like he was talkin' to himself instead of me.

"What's so different about it?"

"No…I meant this feeling. It's different, not having to be the strong one all the time."

We both fell silent at that. I knew what—or _who_—he was talkin' about, an' I really didn't want to go there. I didn't want Real Life stickin' its nose into our little fantasy world…so I did a typical guy thing. I changed the subject to somethin' only a little less dangerous.

"So anyway, ya said that there was a point to relivin' the warm memories of our first meeting?"

He flashed a brief smile at my smartass remark but grew serious again right away. "Yes. I'm…I'm trying to answer your question, Tasuki, but it's kind of…a long answer."

Relief swept through me at the turn in the conversation. Good, we were finally done with the painful shit! Feelin' cheerful again, I waved an expansive hand around the little barn. "Take your time. It's not like I got people lined up to see me."

Tama sat up an' turned toward the door, draping his arms around his knees. "Well…the next part has to do with the night of the baby's birth."

Shit. So much for cheerful. I was gonna give him about two minutes before I kicked his ass—or maybe kissed him—into a better frame of mind.

Tama was too lost in his memories to notice my darkening mood. He stared out into the rain, his eyes cloudy and distant. "I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life," he finally said.

That shocked me. "You gotta be shittin' me! You were the only one who knew what was goin' on, Tama; I was too busy screamin' an' yellin' to be any help."

He turned his face to mine, shocking me even more. He was so pale, his skin alabaster white against his dark hair and eyes, makin' him look as haunted as a hundred-year ghost. "That's the thing, don't you see? _That's_ what scared me. To watch you scream like that…to hear you begging for death…I knew that what you were going through had to be torment beyond my darkest nightmares."

I flushed, embarrassed. "Nah, you know me, Tama; always gotta be the emperor of drama."

"No, that's not true." He set his jaw. "You forget, I saw the way you were in Kutou. I broke nearly every bone in your body, and you never screamed or begged for mercy. You kept fighting and snarling…so when I saw you like that, just a few nights ago, I knew that you had been pushed beyond any man's endurance. I knew that the pain had to be tearing you apart—and I was so _angry!"_

He was breathin' hard now, an' I was almost afraid to touch him. That oni sign was glowin' an' his eyes were all wild—an' I couldn't help glancing at the manger, calculating how fast I could grab the baby and get the hell outta the barn before he blew it up.

"I swore to myself…" his voice grew cold with deadly intent, "…I swore that if you died, I was going to hunt down that sorceress and tear her limb from limb—but not before I made her experience every last moment of the agony she inflicted on you!"

Okay, I guess I shoulda been flattered that Tama had been so protective of me, but the truth was that right then, I was scared shitless. I believed every word he said, an' it didn't give me the warm fuzzies, if ya know what I mean. He was every bit as terrifying as he had been that time on the slave ship, an' all I could think was that I hadda stop him before somebody—includin' him—got hurt.

"But Tama, I didn't die." I used this real soft, reasonable voice, like I was talkin' to a child…or a madman. "Everything turned out okay—_better_ than okay—an' I'm still here with ya, see?"

He turned his eyes to me—an' just like that, he was back to bein' Tama, just like that other time. That red light faded from his forehead, and he looked at me, his eyes shining with something so warm and real that I felt myself get choked up, and hadda blink hard a coupla times to stay in control.

"Yeah, you're here with me," he repeated, "and everything seems like a miracle…"

"Especially Yugetsu," I interrupted, embarrassed for no reason I could put a finger on.

"Not only her." He swallowed hard, but kept on talking. "Listen, I know that in the beginning, you didn't want the baby—"

"Hey," I bristled a little, "I might not've liked being turned into a pregnant woman, but I never set out to hurt the baby." I paused, suddenly remembering how I'd begged Chichiri to get rid of "it" for me, and how pissed I was when he and Nuriko refused. "I mean, once I realized that it was a real baby and not just some freaky stomach-growing spell."

"I know that. But I also know…. Once in a while, in my village, a woman would go through a bad time in childbirth, and sometimes afterwards, if she survived…well, sometimes, she would be kind of…angry at the baby, and wouldn't want to have anything to do with it, not feeding it or anything."

I started to tense up again, but he gripped my arm. "Let me finish, Tasuki. You hadn't asked for this baby in any way, and you went through hell to give birth to her—and I know how you can hold a grudge against someone who's hurt you—so I was a little worried that…. But that's not what happened. You never held back with Yugetsu; you gave her everything you had, just as if you'd planned for her to be a part of your life all along. And I…"

His eyes dropped away from mine, and his voice got real soft, so that I had to strain to hear him. "I wanted to be part of that, too. I saw how you held her and loved her, and I realized that your fire could warm someone instead of burn them, so…I wanted some of that for myself." He gave a short, self-conscious laugh. "It sounds selfish, I know, but after all this time and all that we've been through together, I just…. So I guess that's what you saw in my face last night. Although never in my wildest dreams did I think that you would ever—that you would give me…everything."

There're times when you can find the right thing to say—and then there're times when words, no matter how fine, would cheapen the moment, if you know what I mean.

So I didn't say anything. I just lifted his chin with one hand and looked deep into his eyes. _Understand me, Tama. If I gave you anything, it was only because you deserved it a hundred times over._ I took his hand and placed it on my chest, so that he could feel my heart beating strong against him. _Everything I have is for Yu-chan…and you. _

Then I leaned in and took his lips as gently as I could. It wasn't about sex this time, or about playing with sensations of desire. It was something deeper than passion, something darker and stronger than need. It beat in my chest as silent and real as my heart, and I parted my lips, wanting to breathe him in, feel him, make him part of me….

The kiss lasted for a heartbeat, a century, or maybe eternity—I don't know. Time didn't seem to mean anything anymore. When we finally drew apart, I saw my fear reflected in his eyes. Because we'd done it now, hadn't we? We'd turned some kind of corner, and now what we had wasn't fireworks and fantasy, but something real.

Something that we were gonna hafta deal with in our real lives.

But the thing is that no matter how much you wanna sit in a corner and just think things out, Life tends to get in your face and make you deal with the moment. Maybe Yugetsu woke and cried, or maybe the soup bubbled over; I can't remember which. All I know is that the day went on with all the things we had to do: feeding Yu-chan, ourselves, and the animals, warming up water to clean the baby and her bottom cloths, mucking out the stalls again and changing the hay.

Tama and I talked, sure; some brief jokes and such, but it was like we were just going through the motions, waiting for…we didn't know what. It was like we were both mulling things over, and only interrupted our thoughts to keep from being weirdly silent. At one point, I looked up from placing a sleepy Yu-chan in her manger, and I realized that night had fallen. Tama had lit the lamps and the fire without me even noticing.

I noticed now, though. I noticed _him,_ and suddenly the fire was inside me as well. We moved towards each other and melded our bodies together, and we realized that this was what we'd been waiting for—this chance to share everything that we had.

We made love in every way that we could think of, Tama having just as many ideas as me. Not that everything worked out perfect every time. I got a piece of advice for men everywhere—unless your woman's an Imperial acrobat, she ain't gonna like having her knees shoved back behind her ears. But Tama just picked himself up from where I'd kicked him halfway across the barn, laughed, and said, "Guess that looked better on paper than in real life," and got back to business.

I found out that my favourite position was on top—not because of any dominance shit, but because this was the way I could see his face the whole time. I loved to watch the pleasure wash across his features as I tightened and relaxed while moving up and down on him. But what I loved most was that moment just before he climaxed. His eyes opened wide, innocent with astonished joy—and right then, I knew that I held everything that was pure and real and Tamahome in my hand…

…in my heart.

Afterwards, Tama pulled me into him so that my back curved against his chest. He tucked his face into the spot where my neck met my shoulder, and the feel of his slightly rough chin against my skin made me shiver, but in a good way.

Tama pulled back, running a hand over his face. "Um, I forgot to shave again."

"Nah, don't; I like it that way."

He laughed and gently pushed me onto my stomach, tracing his fingers along my back. "You're incredible."

I tilted my face to look at him over my shoulder. "Look who's talking. Speaking of which—how the hell did a virgin like you ever get those kinda ideas about lovemaking?"

He laughed. "I had this martial arts sifu back when I was ten. He was a sort of pervert—no, I take that back. He was a _total_ pervert, but the best fighter and the best teacher. And no wonder, because he'd been a warrior himself, a Bya—well, never mind that part. Anyway, he tried to teach me that learning to make love to women was equally as important as learning fighting techniques. I was only ten, though, so I argued that money was the only thing that was important. I went on believing that until—"

"Last night," I said, and got a light smack on the ass for my smart mouth.

"Shut up. As I was _saying,_ I believed that until I reached puberty—"

"Last night," I interrupted again, and got smacked again.

"Do you want to hear this story or not?"

"All right, all right; go on." I rested my chin on my hands, smirking.

"Anyway, when he left, he gave a few of his scrolls to me. Picture scrolls. And the older I got, the more interesting the pictures became—"

"I get it now. Though I'll advise ya to ink out those pictures with any weird contortions in 'em."

"Don't worry, I learned my lesson," he replied ruefully, rubbing his own ass where he'd landed hard on the ground.

About that time, Yu-chan musta figured that we'd had enough of a break, because she woke up complaining again. We went through our usual routine of feeding and changing her, and then I laid her between us. Tama caught hold of my hair—silken fire, he called it—and dangled a strand of it to tickle Yu-chan's face, laughing when she wrinkled her nose at him.

I smiled at them both. "She don't look much like me, Tama. If anything, she looks more like you, with her dark hair and all."

He yawned, releasing my hair and cuddling the baby against his chest. "I wish I could take credit for this little beauty," he murmured sleepily. "She's a real heartbreaker."

I held my breath, waiting for him to continue, but his breathing just grew slower and deeper, and I realized that the two of them were asleep.

As he slept with my baby on his chest, I thought over his words. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I'd always planned on finding that sorceress and making her change me back to normal. I never really considered what would happen if we never found her again.

But now, I faced that possibility. What would I do if I was stuck in this female form for the rest of my life? This sure as hell wasn't the way I'd imagined my life would turn out.

But if Tama was there with me…and if we ended up making a little brother or sister for Yu-chan…maybe life wouldn't be so bad after all.

Ya see, that's the trouble with being a woman. It only takes you a moment to dream the impossible—and half as long to convince yourself that it might be possible after all.

* * *

_To be continued…_

* * *

Author note: Thank you for your patience in awaiting Chapter 3, and for reading "Unexpected" up to this point. I plan to have the fourth and final chapter posted within a month. 

My special gratitude to the reviewers; your input means a great deal to me.

-Aenisses- 29-January-2006


	4. Embers

All rights to Fushigi Yuugi belong to Yuu Watase, Shogakukan Shojo Comics, TV Tokyo, Studio Pierrot, and Pioneer Video.

This chapter is rated M for language.

Portions of this chapter recount events depicted in "Expecting" by Shunyata Ryuen, for which "Unexpected" is a companion piece. These events have been used with the express permission of Shunyata Ryuen.

I'd like to dedicate this chapter and story to Shunyata Ryuen with deepest and humblest gratitude.

* * *

. 

**Chapter 4. Embers**

_How long does it take a dream to end?_ goes the old question.

_How long does it take the world to end?_ is what I reply.

But I already know the answer. One moment, you're asleep, safe and happy in the space you've made with your lover and your baby…but the next moment, you hear your lover's voice in the darkness, whispering your name with panicked dread. You hear other voices out in the night, shouting to one another as they hunt you down.

Just like that, there's no more time, not to think or feel or anything else. Now there's only running, wrapping up your baby and taking off with your lover through the woods, your breathing too harsh and loud, your heart knocking hard against your ribs. You don't even realize that your dream has ended, your haven muddied from the boots of human scum. Now all you pray for is the chance for a clean escape.

We didn't get it. Not the escape, not even the fucking chance. It was barely morning when those goddamn slavers finally caught up to us, surrounding and taunting us with what they were gonna do to each of us. Including Yu-chan.

No chance, no time, no choice. We readied ourselves for the fight, Tama's hand gripping mine for a moment, Yu-chan resting warm and quiet against my back. It was weird; I could see that there was no way we could win, but I wasn't scared or sad. Instead, this feeling of "rightness" filled me: it was right that we faced the end together, 'cause we were a family, an' standing together is what families do.

Then they attacked, an' it was all about the fighting: a jab here, a well-placed blow there. But there were too many of them and just the two of us, an' all too soon it happened: the guy with the makeshift sword movin' faster than I could block. All I could think was that I wasn't gonna let him get through to Tama or the baby, even if it was the last thing I did in this life.

But look, if you know my other story, you know what happened next.

Chichiri showing up in a windstorm, taking everyone down like the fuckin' Angel of Death. Everyone, that is, except the leader of the slavers, who managed to snatch Yu-chan in the confusion and get his hand around her tiny throat. If I woulda stopped to think, I woulda thought that it was the worst moment of my life—but I didn't stop, my rage feeding Suzaku's gift of speed so that I was able to dash at him, get the bastard's knife, and plunge it deep into his side.

An' as I grabbed Yu-chan and ran back to Tama, soothing her cries, I told myself the worst was over.

Proves what I know.

Turned out that Chichiri had found that goddamn sorceress and brought her along with him. She looked like she didn't know whether to shit or go blind, she was so terrified; while 'Chiri looked like he was gonna kick her ass into the deepest of the seven hells if she didn't do exactly what he wanted. An' to tell the truth, he kinda scared the shit outta me an' Tama, too—I mean, whatever happened to Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky Cheerful Monk?

But I didn't have time to ponder that much, 'cause everything started happenin' so fast. Ya know, apologies an' explanations, an' me learning that the sorceress, desperate and angry, had chosen me to be some kinda stand-in incubator for the baby: her sister's baby, as it turned out. An' then…

Yu-chan's rightful parents turning up.

I didn't hafta give her up, ya know. 'Chiri wouldn't've forced me, an' Tama was crying and begging me not to. The parents couldn't've done anything either, 'cause I was a bigshot Suzaku warrior, an' I could see in the resignation in Yu-chan's father's eyes that he knew that as well as me.

I didn't hafta give her up—but I did it anyway.

Maybe I was Yu-chan's real parent, like Tama said, 'cause I'd given birth to her—or maybe not, and Yu-chan's real mother was the woman staring at me with her tear-filled version of Yu-chan's big blue eyes. Didn't matter either way. 'Cause if you're a parent and you love your child, you're gonna do what's best for her, no matter how much it tears you apart.

An' the truth was that those people were real decent types, people who loved her before even seeing her, and that they'd give her a better life than a cussing, drinking, shithead bandit about to embark on a dangerous mission.

So I pressed my lips to my baby's head and felt her soft peach-fuzz hair tickle my nose for the last time, an' I thought, _This is it. This is the worst moment of my entire life._

But I was wrong.

The moment when I placed her in her mother's arms, then backed away, looking at her and knowing that it was the last time, knowing that I was leaving my baby forever—that was the worst moment of my life.

An' suddenly I was running, running for the woods like all the demons of all the hells were after me, running like I could outrun the grief and gut-wrenching agony if only I could run fast enough and far enough. But even with Suzaku's speed beneath my heels, even as I crashed through the trees and underbrush, the pain caught me as easily and fiercely as a fireball from the tessen and slammed me back to earth. An' I couldn't flee it anymore.

I just curled up, my hands across my mouth as if I could hold it all in, keep it bottled up and under control. An' that's how he found me, keening cries slipping between my fingers, agonized and low, like I was a trapped animal leaking its heart's blood…

…heart's blood.

He put his hand on my shoulder, an' I grabbed onto it like I was drowning. He gripped me tight, silent tears dripping onto my hand, and I clung to him like I had during labor, when he'd been my anchor and my last hope. Suddenly, something inside me pulled _hard_, pulled the way it had when I pushed the baby out—and my soft cries deepened, my clothes shifting and tightening around my shoulders.

It was over. I had my old body back. Which meant that the sorceress and my baby were gone.

It struck me then, as hard and real as a flung stone, and I found myself gasping, struggling for air. Now I understood the real cruelty of the sorceress' spell—the cruelty that had never crossed her mind as she changed me, the cruelty she prob'ly didn't realize even now. It wasn't the humiliation of dealing with my different body, or the danger from the slavers, or even the agony of labor. It was this: she'd altered my life in a way that made me believe that people belonged to me. People like Yu-chan—and Tama.

And now my life was back to what it'd been before.

Just like that, the tears were gone. 'Cause when somethin' rips your heart out, ya ain't got nothin' left to cry with. All you can do is try to breathe around the yawning emptiness in your body.

"Tasuki?" Tama's voice was panicked as he shook my shoulder hard.

"I'm all right," I gasped, and drew in another shuddering breath, turning my head towards him so that he could see part of my face. "I'll be okay. It's just that…it's stupid."

"Stupid?"

"Yeah. Whaddaya think she weighed? No more than a small sack of rice, I'll bet. So it's stupid that now she's gone, I have this giant hole…" My words faltered, and I made a weak gesture in front of my chest.

Tama grabbed my shoulder, turning me so that I faced him, then wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. "We'll make it through this," he whispered into my tangled mess of hair. "We'll make it through together."

I forced myself to stand stiffly in his embrace. "No," I said, and pushed away from him. "It's over."

He stared at me, the pain open and pure in his brimming eyes. "It doesn't have to be," he pleaded. "It doesn't all have to end."

"Doesn't it? What are ya sayin', Tama? Ya think we should run away together, maybe have a baby of our own?" My voice twisted with sarcasm. "Guess ya didn't notice, but I'm not equipped to do that anymore."

"I don't care!" In two steps, he was back in my face, grabbing my arms and shaking me. "Do you think that matters to me? All that matters is that I don't want to lose you!"

I couldn't hold back the bitterness. "Name one time during this fucked-up mess when what either of us wanted counted for anything."

"It does now! I…" he stopped and swallowed. His tone was quiet and passionate. "I know that I don't have the right to love you…but I still do."

"You got that straight!" I spat, feeling his words burn into me, the possibilities gleaming before me just before they crumbled into ash. "You _don't_ have the right! You gave those words away, remember? You promised her your love, and I promised her my loyalty. An' as I see it, we've both been doing a piss-poor job of keepin' either promise, an' it's time we got back to acting like the seishi we're supposed to be!"

I turned my back, no longer able to bear the agony in his eyes, the agony I'd just put there. It wasn't fair. The emptiness inside me was supposed to be just empty—not this bleak, cold feeling howling through me like an ice storm. I was tired of it. I wanted it all to end.

"Listen, Tama." Now it was my turn to plead. "There's one last thing I'm askin' ya to do for me. Would ya…would ya wrap my hair around your hand the way you used to, an'…would ya finish this for me?" I drew my dagger from my belt and held it up.

There was a long pause, and then his fingers were trembling against mine as he took the dagger from my grip. I bowed my head, relieved, and felt him wind my hair around his hand as he had in our nights together. But suddenly he was right up against me, his chin pressed into that space between my shoulder and my neck, and it took everything I had not to sink against him.

"I can't," he whispered, and his tears fell hot against my skin. "I can't let you go."

The pain roared up in me, the knowledge of everything I'd had and lost tearing into me until I screamed in agony and rage.

"Listen to me, Tama! We're not a family, I gave away our baby, and _I don't need you anymore! _Let me go, damn you!_ DO IT!"_

There was a strangled cry, then gleaming metal flashed in the corner of my vision, a whispering hiss brushed against my shirt—and the weight pulling at my neck suddenly disappeared.

I was the way I'd been before, my hair short and jagged against my neck.

Behind me I heard sobs—the low, deep sobs of a man who had lost everything. An' everything inside me wept with him, my entire body burning with the need to turn around.

But if I turned around, I was gonna take him in my arms. And if I took him in my arms…

…I was never gonna be able to let him go.

So I didn't turn around. I took a step forward…and then another and another, moving away, leaving him behind. I didn't stop until I reached the place where I'd given my baby away. Chichiri stood alone, patiently waiting, his bamboo hat pulled low over his eyes and his shakujou held out before him.

"I'm ready to go back."

The bamboo hat lifted, and he stared keenly at me, his one eye shining with reflected grief. "Where's Tamahome?"

"He'll come later."

"Maybe we should wait…"

"'Chiri, _please!"_ My voice was a harsh, ragged plea.

"All right." Chichiri unclasped his kesa and tossed it, watching it flutter smoothly to the ground. "I'll send you back, but I have to wait for him. Are you sure you'll—?"

"I'll be fine." I stepped onto the blue cloth, not scared this time when I felt the darkness whoosh past me. In fact, I welcomed the darkness and the feeling of disconnection, and wished I coulda stayed there a long, long time.

* * *

. 

So that's how the whole thing ended. After thinkin' on it a while, I figured that everything turned out for the best. Yu-chan made it into this world alive because of me, and now she's got some nice, decent parents who are gonna treat her right. An' all us seishi are back to planning out the mission to Hokkan, an' we figure we got a pretty good chance of everything turning out the way it's supposed to.

Yeah, it's a good ending for all of us. An' I'm real happy that things turned out so good.

Except…

I guess maybe some of them female juices are left over in my body, 'cause sometimes I just hafta go to my room, to be by myself an' cry. It's no big deal. I figure that time will take care of these stupid crying jags. I hope I'm done with 'em before the mission, though, 'cause it'd probably shock the shit outta everyone if I start bawlin' whenever I hear a baby cry.

Well, not everyone. I think Chichiri would understand. He watches me sometimes, an' even through that smiling mask, I can tell that he's worried about me. I'm pretty sure that I could go an' pour my heart out to him at any time.

But the thing is, he wasn't there. There's only one person who really understands what I lost—'cause he lost it, too.

Not that I'm about to dump my shit on Tama's shoulders. For one thing, things ain't the same between us. For another, his life is back the way it's supposed to be, an' I ain't about to mess with that.

He's with the one who needs him most.

Sometimes I watch them when they don't know I'm lookin'. I ache a little inside as I watch her keep him at arm's length. I know why she's doin' it, an' I guess that she's got no choice. But even though my own heart feels kinda warm towards her—which is a seishi/priestess thing, I guess—I still feel like going up an' giving her a good shake.

"Don't be such an ass, Miaka!" I wanna shout in her face. "Don't do anything to lose him, 'cause ya don't know how good ya got it!"

But I keep my mouth shut—another thing I musta picked up while I was a woman—'cause in the end, it's not my business. I'm not involved in his life anymore, except as another seishi brother.

And yet…

Sometimes I'll see the cook's youngest daughter go racing by. She's all of three years old, an' she has the same black hair an' sky-blue eyes my baby had. My head turns to follow her and my eyes go distant, 'cause just for a moment, I'm imagining…. It's funny, but almost every time this happens, I look up—and there he is, lookin' at me. He never says anything but he doesn't need to; I know that he's remembering too, and that's enough.

There's one more thing that's changed between us. We still brawl, 'cause the others would think it was weird if we didn't—and to tell the truth, Tama can still get me pretty pissed off.

But there's a difference now.

The punches don't connect as hard, if they connect at all. My fist follows the contours of his chest, feeling the smooth muscles ripple beneath my knuckles. His hand comes up to my jaw, brushing past in a light caress.

It's not about sex; nah, that's not it. It's about touching each other, connecting with each other. It's like he's saying, _I'm here with ya. I'm still here with ya, buddy._

And I know I'm not alone.

* * *

**The End**

* * *

. 

Author Note: My first and most profound thanks go to Shunyata Ryuen for her help over many months, but most of all, for her support in this undertaking. As I had told you, Shunyata, on a cold December day long ago: the greatest gift one author can give another is inspiration. Any expression of thanks is sadly inadequate for the joy this project—and your gift—has brought to me, but I will attempt to express my gratitude nonetheless. Simply put, thank you for everything.

To the readers and reviewers, my warmest thanks for your patience, support, and encouragement. This small work has meant a great deal to me. It has forced me to grow as a writer and a person, and to find value in the effort as opposed to the result. Your kind words have been a beacon for me in hours of darkness and doubt, and I will always treasure the way you reached out to an unknown, untested author.

With this story concluded, my project is complete and I have no current plans to extend it, although nothing is impossible, as they say. Other responsibilities demand my time, however, and I must leave this persona for the time being.

Thank you all once again.

-Aenisses- 7-August-2006


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